I got to wondering what exactly I do with myself all day, so yesterday, I kept a minute-by-minute log. It’s kind of long (but hopefully funny), so I split it into two parts. Enjoy!
6:30am—Woken up from a dream in which I am plunging the toilet by Jared telling me it’s 6:30am. Part of my New Year’s resolution to wake up earlier.
6:40am—Still laying in bed & feeling relieved that I am laying in bed & not plunging the toilet. Suddenly remember that I kind of pressured Jared to skip a women’s basketball game he was going to take Ramona to (it started at her bedtime, so it would have been a late night for us) & consumed with guilt over squashing Ramona’s exposure to strong, athletic female role models & quality family time.
6:45am—Struggle to make my way downstairs while the cat does her best to trip me. Feed her & make coffee.
6:55am—Drink coffee & look at Facebook. Feel aggravated with everyone weeping over celebrities that died this week. Sometimes 69-year-olds die. What a shocker. No, it’s not because “God hates us”. Ugh, everyone is terrible.
6:56am—Remind myself that it’s way too early in the morning to hate people already.
7am—Eat a granola bar & read the “New York Times”. Three people won the Powerball. Relay this news to Jared when he complains about everyone on his Facebook freaking out over the Powerball.
7:30am—Fall down a weird internet rabbit hole, reading about people who died in mysterious circumstances after winning the lottery. Reflect that maybe I just wouldn’t tell anyone if I won the lottery. Not that I play the lottery. (I really don’t.)
7:45am—Try to trick Ramona into eating her breakfast by pretending to eat it myself. Giant fail. Ramona requests that I eat her breakfast while she gets out of her high chair & plays.
7:50am—Rescue Ramona from the cat, who dared to look at the toy she was playing with underneath the table.
8am—Update my to-do list. Wonder if I would be more productive if I didn’t obsessively record everything I do.
8:05am—Pick Ramona up so she can take letter magnets off the fridge. Suddenly realize she wants me to hold her up while she takes EVERY magnet off the fridge. We have literally dozens of magnets. Put her back down & retreat into an internet rabbit hole about the weirdest deaths of 2015.
8:06am—One of the “weird deaths” was a domestic violence situation in which a man killed his children, his wife, & then himself. Reflect bitterly on how that happens way too often to qualify as “weird”.
8:10am—Crash from the kitchen. Jared’s coffeemaker has fallen over, spilling coffee everywhere. His coffee smells very weird, kind of like grilled onions. Wonder how he can stand it while I cover my nose & clean up the mess.
8:15am—Jared comes downstairs & I report the coffee situation. We discuss the cat’s annoying habit of aggressively flipping over her food bowl as soon as it is filled, covering the kitchen floor in a fine layer of cat food. Dig a heavy ceramic bowl out of the cupboard, which she will have a harder time flipping.
8:20am—Retreat to the couch to read “Parents” magazine & anxiously await Jared’s departure. He strings out his leave-taking with numerous goodbyes & the world’s slowest coat-donning. Stew internally over how slow he is being & wonder if he can’t tell that I want him to leave so I can be a lazy slob with no witnesses aside from the cat & the three-year-old. Hold self back from saying, “Dude, leave! You’re not going to war! Get out of here!”
8:35am—Sigh of relief as Jared finally leaves, after as many false endings as a “Lord of the Rings” movie. Ramona instantly hits me up for a PB&J. Realize I have poop on my hand, wonder if it is human or feline & how exactly it got there. Am dimly aware that I am less concerned than I would have been before I had a child.
8:36am—Wash hands & make PB&J. Am surprised that we seem to have eaten an entire loaf of bread since yesterday at lunchtime.
8:40am—Back to reading “Parents,” though I don’t totally know why I do it.
9am—Give Ramona a banana. She is thrilled. For thirty seconds, until she decides that I should eat the banana & she should have another PB&J. Tell her to eat the banana & we can discuss additional sandwiches after.
9:05am—Try to stop cat from eating flowers on the table. Then stop her from sitting on my computer & posting “KUGYTSW#yjkd” as a status update on Facebook.
9:10am—Recoil from Ramona sneaking up behind me & rubbing banana in my hair.
9:15am—Ramona looks at “Parents” magazine over my shoulder & asks, “What are they doing outside?” The photograph does not show people outside. It shows people in a brightly lit, white living room (of course). Wonder if I’m a terrible parent for raising her in a dim environment, like a mole. Chat with Ramona for a while about the pictures in “Parents” magazine.
9:25am—Ramona runs off & starts acting crazy in the living room & I realize that she is re-enacting the behavior of children she saw photographed for an article on how to deal with misbehavior. That’s great.
9:26am—Realize my pants are wet. No idea why.
9:30am—Set Ramona up with an episode of “Reading Rainbow” so I can comb her hair & get dressed in peace. Admire how adorably her ears stick out when her hair is in a ponytail.
9:35am—Go upstairs & conduct my “beauty routine”, ie, brush my teeth & wash my face. Spend a minute admiring the stretch marks on my belly in the mirror. I really do like them. I got them when I was pregnant with Ramona.
9:40am—Decide I should branch out from wearing jeans & dig a pair of tights & a wool skirt out of my dresser. Spend WAY too long wrestling myself into them. I haven’t worn the skirt in a year & have clearly gained weight since then. Wonder how realistic it is to wear such tight clothes all day.
9:55am—Outrage Ramona by turning off “Reading Rainbow” after a single episode. She expresses her misery by dumping her cup of water all over the couch & asking for hugs.
10am—Change into jeans.
10:02am—Cat knocks over Ramona’s water bottle & it spills all over my computer. Panic about my computer being broken when it was crazy expensive & I just bought it in June, but it seems okay.
10:05am—Ramona has a tantrum because I’m sitting in a chair & she wants me to sit on the couch.
10:06am—Lay down on the couch with Ramona & have a tickle fight.
10:10am—Tell Ramona about the gymnastics class I signed her up for. She doesn’t know what gymnastics is so I cue up some videos for us to watch. Ramona is transported. Laugh myself silly at her hilarious attempts to do flips & handstands on the couch.
11:30am—Put medical tape on Ramona’s wrists because she thinks it’s very stylish. Watch her do some more gymnastics.
11:45am—Exhausted every little kid gymnastics video on the internet & put on the 2015 U.S. National Championship.
11:46am—Ramona has a tantrum because there’s too much talk & not enough flipping.
11:47am—Read Ramona some books to mediate the gymnastics commentary-inspired tantrum.
12pm—Realize I am about to pass out from the boredom of reading children’s books. Decide it’s time for coffee (for me) & snacks (for both of us).