conspicuous consumption…& beds beds beds

i am in no way doing the 30-day photo challenge in thirty days. nevertheless, day #7 is “post a photo of something you recently bought”.

the non-grocery item i most recently purchased was a mattress cover.

the white quilted-looking bit.

jared & i bought our mattress when we first moved in together three & a half years ago, & now there are two human-sized divots in it where we sleep, with a big ridge in the middle separating the halves. it’s hard to cuddle because you’re just paying there all tense, trying not to roll down the ridge. needless to say, we did not really shop around for a long-wearing mattress or read up on what “consumer reports” has to say about the best mattresses for maintaining structural integrity. but we did invest $20 in a quilted mattress pad to try to fill in the divots. the mattress pad we bought was also labeled “slightly irregular,” so it was marked down from $50. i don’t know if we truly did get a bargain because of “slight irregularities,” or if that’s just a hilarious gimmick on the part of the mattress pad company.

i feel like we are constantly tricking out the bed with new mattress pads, new sheets, new pillows & blankets. but we are thinking of upgrading to a king size bed. jared informed me recently that i sleep like a rotisserie chicken, which is to say, i spend all night thrashing around & rolling over. every night. a king size bed would give me more room to thrash, & it would also give me more room for a belly if i ever manage to get pregnant. & we want to co-sleep if we ever have a baby, & it can be tight quarters in our current bed since i apparently sleep like i am being attacked by sharks. but i worry that a king size bed would be the death knell of our relationship. don’t people always break up when they get such a huge bed that suddenly each member of the couple is voting in a different district? it’s like the modern day version of having someone sleep in the den, right? i’ve slept in king size beds before & they really are enormous. if each person cozies up on their own side, there’s an immense expanse of blank terrain between them. at 5’5″, i can comfortably sleep long ways in a king size bed.

in my dream world, we’d get a bed that has mobility functions like a hospital bed. i like the idea of not having to sit up under my own power. i’d also like one of those beds you see on TV, in which the pitch man drops a bowling ball on one side & the person chilling in the other side is all, “i didn’t feel a thing.” i really like to fidget & “shake the bed” even when i am just laying there reading (jared & i spend a lot of time reading in bed) & jared hates it. (shaking the bed is where you lay on your stomach with your feet hanging off the end of the bed, & then you flex your feet over & over, which shakes the entire mattress. i don’t know why i do it–it’s an unconscious habit i can’t break, like how i’m 32 but i still bite my nails. jared says it makes him seasick.)

okay, enough about this! i know it’s not exciting. but i also know that certain exes are out there reading this, working up a real head of steam over the idea that jared & i share a bed. yeah, that’s right, crazypantses! we’ve been dating for nearly five years & we actually share a bed! get a grip & get over it!

i bought this coat in november. it was a total retail therapy purchase, which is not something i endorse, but i had just found out that i wasn’t pregnant for the fifth or sixth month in a row & i have gotten into the habit of buying myself new items of clothing when that happens, to take the edge off. might as well, right? since i’ll never need to worry about maternity clothes, at the rate i’m going? i didn’t have a winter coat with a hood, & it was just $45 at target. (i honestly think it’s gauche to talk about how much things cost, usually, or where they were purchased, but the fact that this is the cheapest, most mass-market coat i’ve ever bought is relevant to the story.)

i wanted the gray version of this coat, but it didn’t fit as well as the plaid one, which i only tried on to see if target’s sizing was consistent. (it’s not.) so i bought the plaid one. it’s so not my style. who the fuck wears outerwear that isn’t black or charcoal? answer: children & women who have seen one too many wes anderson movies. & especially, who buys a coat with so much white in it? winter coats drag on the ground when you sling them over the backs of chairs or if they fall off the coat rack. white is hard to keep clean even in a highly washable garment. i really just bought this because i was in emotional distress & wasn’t thinking clearly. but it has become my default coat & i get complimented on it every time i wear it. strangers have stopped me on the street to ask where i got it. it’s just target, guys. now i feel like an idiot for ever paying more than $45 for a coat.

slippers! i bought these at the end of december. it’s supposed to be a cat on one toe & a ball of yarn on the other. i don’t think the cat looks much like a cat. more like a red-nosed gremlin. but the slippers are super comfortable & versatile & i expect them to last for a long time. & everyone who sees them (which is to say, the ladies in feminist book club, as they are pretty much the only people who are in my house regularly) always compliments them.

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