bumpwatch terror alert: week 16

i’ve decided that i need to emulate other pregnancy blogs out there & post a weekly bump update. so my game plan is to post every monday & we can all watch my bump grow together. just try not to think too hard about the fact that the baby contained therein is undoubtedly horrifically ugly. together, we can try not to rend our garments too much once it’s born & its horrible visage is unavoidable.

sixteen weeks (plus a few days, but we can pretend)

what’s that you say? i haven’t tricked my bump photo out enough to be properly tacky, like on real pregnancy blogs? hmmm. let’s try again.

is this better? color-saturated, with a watered ink border & vintage font text in hot pink

i think i’m going to experiment with making my bump pics look really goofy every week. it’s kind of fun! & i need to do something to pass the time until this little monster is born.

though there’s practically always something new happening in babyland. i think i mentioned in a recent post that i had ordered a pregnancy pillow. specifically, i ordered the snoogle. it arrived last week & i have been sleeping with it ever since. it’s pretty awesome! i like the back support, & you can curl it into a coil & lean against it while reading in bed, & wrap one side around yourself to prop your book on. i like to clutch it to my belly when i am experiencing morning sickness (which is still happening intermittently, for at least an hour or so a day). jared claims that it’s not crowding him too much, but honestly, he’s such a deep sleeper, i could roll him into a rug & pitch him out the back of a van off the side of the interstate & he probably wouldn’t realize anything was amiss until his alarm failed to go off in the morning.

i was cozied up with my snoogle last night, reading this weird book called the yummy mummy manifesto, which i really expected to be something like a more heavily-illustrated version of a girlfriend’s guide to pregnancy (also known as the worst book about pregnancy ever written–my pregnant comrades, DO NOT read that book!). but it’s really different from what i expected from the title & the kind of goofy fashion illustration-inspired cover. it’s not bad at all. pregnancy hormones are possibly causing me to overlook a certain toxic level of hippiedom that i would find disturbing in my usual state, but honestly, i’d rather read about hippie moms that want to send their babies outside to play nude in the sun for an hour each day than another crappy book about how you might want to schedule an elective C-section to preserve the integrity of your vagina for your husband. ugh.

so, i’m reading, i’m snoogling, i’m feeling good, & suddenly i felt a tickle on my face. i botled up & swiped at the tickly place. jared asked, “what’s up?” & i said, “i don’t know. my hair, i guess.” sometimes it falls in my face & tickles. i swiped a little more to be safe & then happened to look down my shirt (pregnancy cleavage makes it kind of impossible not to have a great view). & there, poised beside my right breast, on the apex of my baby bump, was a spider. i proceeded to scream my face off, & smashed the spider. & then i sobbed hysterically because my shirt was covered in spider juice, a spider fell down my shirt, & a SPIDER was on my FACE.

i am severely, severely arachnophobic. i have sought therapy for it (not that it’s helped). when i was younger, if i even SAW a spider across the room, or even outside somewhere, i would start screaming. it’s generally impossible for me to get close enough to a spider to kill it unless it’s pretty small, & forget about catching it in a cup or something & setting it free outside. this is kind of a gross story, but once, when i was a teenager, i was combing my hair, right? i had really long hair then, like down to my waist. & i felt this little crunchy bit in it, like maybe a little shred from the side of notebook paper, where it has all the holes for the spiral binding, you know? so i pulled it out & it was a dead spider. i assume it fell of the ceiling on to my head or something. it wasn’t even alive & i still couldn’t stop screaming. i kept screaming until i lose my voice, which took seven hours. then i continued to silently scream for two more hours, until my mom forced a vicodin on me & i finally fell asleep. i’m not THAT bad anymore, but it’s still pretty bad. & my worst fear is that a spider will crawl on me. there’s no need to tell me how stupid this is. like…what’s a spider gonna do it when it crawls on me? empty my bank account? tell me my baby is ugly? it doesn’t bother me at all when i find other bugs on me (which WILL happen if you live in kansas & go outside ever). it was bad enough a few weeks ago when a spider crawled on my arm, but on my FACE?

so that was exciting. i’m not even gonna lie: i took a swig of nyquil, even though i am pregnant & not experiencing any flu-like symptoms, because it was the only way i was going to be able to sleep. if my baby comes out with fetal alcohol syndrome because of the trace amounts of alcohol that are in nyquil (which is the only reason i can figure why it’s contraindicated in pregnancy), so be it. blame the spider. jared totally signed off on this decision. we’re gonna be the best parents ever!

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