babies & cats: pretty much the same, right?

man. i took it upon myself to sweep the living room, which had not been touched in over a week. i did what i always do when i sweep the living room, which is close the closet door next to jared’s desk (he loves to leave it open, which is also his attitude toward all doors, & drawers, & practically anything else that can be opened but ought to be closed). about an hour later, jared told me he heard a banging noise, but i didn’t hear anything over the sounds of the air conditioner, box fan, & ceiling fan (it’s been consistently over 100 degrees for over a week, with no end in sight), & told him he must be imagining things–perhaps the hobo that we pretend lives in the basement.

eight hours later, i gave charlotte her evening meal, but she didn’t come a-running like she usually does when she hears kibble hit her bowl. i checked her cat bed, but it was empty. i checked my closet, where she has recently been hanging out (i leave it cracked for her during the day). i looked under the bookcases in the living room & even under the bathtub. i checked the foyer & started to panic, trying to remember if there was any point today when the front door might have been open & she could have escaped without attracting our attention. then jared looked in his closet, & a dazed, neglected charlotte emerged from within, blinking & looking sad (maybe i’m projecting).

jared & i had a good laugh, since i often try to predict my own parenting abilities based on how well i feel i parent charlotte. this was a major cat parenting fail. probably every cat parent inadvertently shuts their cat in a closet at some point, but not all cat parents are extrapolating their cat-rearing abilities to their projected parenting skills, especially when the hypothetical baby in question is cooking as we speak. but i was pretty amused at the thought of being such a ridiculously neglectful parent that i would shut my baby in a closet for eight hours & not notice until it fails to come running for its evening feeding.

of course i posted about this incident on facebook because, for those readers that are not my facebook friends, i basically use facebook to broadcast all of my failings & foibles. if someone was trying to get a bead on my competence as a human based solely on my facebook updates, i would definitely come up lacking. one of my mom friends commented & was all, “don’t worry, your baby will roll off the couch eventually! it happens!” i was kind of like, “…okay…will my baby roll off the couch & into a closet which then latches? because that’s what i’m talking about.” but instead i just made a remark about how i’d feel bad if i shut my kid in a closet (unless the kid really had it coming…kidding! kidding!). she was all, “LOL! babies are nothing like cats! you would definitely notice a baby missing before you’d notice a cat!”

O RLY? babies AREN’T like cats, you say? this…really changes things. i thought babies were EXACTLY like cats. the only difference i could see is that babies are easier to dress because there’s no pesky tail to get in the way (if you’re lucky). surely babies are self-cleaning & can be trained to poop in a box. i had been planning to just set out some dry cheerios & a bowl of milk on the floor every morning & let the kid feed itself. but in light of this alarming new information that babies are not like cats…i may have made a huge mistake. is anyone in the market for a (hopefully) healthy white infant? i’ll trade it for a cat.

seriously, i know i don’t make myself look good on facebook but i’m not THAT dumb.

on a different, but still baby-related, note, i went to the fabric store today to make some final choices for the baby quilt chepina & i are making. one of the employees asked if i needed any help & i explained i was making a baby quilt & was going to need a quarter-yard of a bunch of a different fabrics, blah blah blah. she asked, “do you know the gender of the baby you’re making the quilt for?” i said no. she kind of paused & then asked, “then how do you know what fabrics you want?” because surely i’ll want army green patterned with naked women for a boy & hot pink sequins for a girl, right? jesus christ. can’t i just pick out some cute fabrics with animals & stuff on them & call it a day?

i did select my fabrics & a different employee cut it for me. when she got to some pink fabric patterned with elephants, she said, “oh! it’s a quilt for a girl.” i said no, it’s a quilt for a baby, & we won’t know the gender until january, & boys can enjoy pink too, especially if some fucking elephants are involved because elephants are the bomb. she started rambling on about how keeping the gender a surprise is such a nice idea but it will be hard for us to shop for baby supplies. i said, “no, i’m pretty much just going to get pink stuff because i like pink & if it’s a boy, he’ll have a lot of pink.” she tried to recalibrate & was like, “well, babies don’t care…dress him in pink when he’s a baby because he’ll never be able to wear it again!” um…unless he wants to? some boys like pink. jared is a boy & he wears pink. what the hell, lady! finally jared said, “if we do have a boy, i hope that he never spends one minute worrying about his baby quilt being appropriately masculine,” & she finally dropped it.

a couple weeks ago, jared & i went to the gap outlet in topeka. the clerk asked me if i was looking for anything in particular. i asked about maternity wear & she said they didn’t have any (curses! i refuse to pay full-price for maternity clothes). then she asked, “are you pregnant?” “yes,” i said. “do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” she asked. “no,” i said. “oh. because i was gonna say, everything at baby gap next door is 60% off. if you knew what you were having, you could get some clothes for the baby. i guess maybe you could get an outfit for each?” or, here’s a radical thought, i could get what i think is cute regardless of gender cues because it’s not like a baby gives a flying fuck.

i know this is only the beginning. i guess i just wasn’t expecting it to start so early! poor little narwhal. everyone wants to know about its junk.

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One response to “babies & cats: pretty much the same, right?

  1. “O RLY? babies AREN’T like cats, you say? this…really changes things. i thought babies were EXACTLY like cats”

    nearly died laughing

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